Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run
PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident,” Orcutt said of […]
Hospitalized Toddler To Spend Rest Of Life Associating Mickey Mouse With Physical Pain
BATON ROUGE, LA—As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that the 2-year-old, who was admitted to Ochsner Medical Center after fracturing his ulna, will from this point forward […]
Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
CHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary among lepers. Several reports indicated that the handsome and fit Hall was drinking and eating alongside the outcasts […]
Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. “Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot—things were looking a little dicey with […]
Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nation’s Middle School Talent Shows
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant’s alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America’s middle school talent shows. “Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that […]
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
WASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. “Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes […]