Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron
WASHINGTON—Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. “Any immigrant roughly Barron’s age with similar interests may apply, with very little waiting time to get […]
Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence
WASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman’s residence. “Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected […]
Pronatalist Sex Ed Class Requires Students To Care For 14 Sacks Of Flour
JOPLIN, MO—In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14 sacks of flour. “For the next week, each of our seventh-graders will be in charge of […]
Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
JACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that a dozen has always meant nine. “While we have seen some temporary shortfalls due to the avian flu, I want to let all our loyal customers know that we will continue to sell delicious, farm-fresh eggs by […]
Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails
Tesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over what protesters believe is Elon Musk’s overreach in government. What do you think? “Cars are supposed to kill people, not the other way around.” Maggie Falix, Deed Issuer “Good to see gasoline fighting back.” David Poduska, Handball […]