Am I Ugly?
So this is kind of awkward but it’s been on my mind lately and I know it’s probably nothing but I’ve gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so…do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so embarrassing! I’ve just been getting this […]
What To Know About Beef Tallow
Beef tallow, also known as rendered beef fat, is trending among beauty and health influencers. Here is everything you need to know about the by-product. Q: What is beef tallow used for? A: Cooking, skincare, and fixing squeaky cows. Q: Why should I cook with it? A: To crisp up those soft, supple arteries. Q: […]
Trump Announces SEAL Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid. “Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an […]
Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares
EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. “If you use your imagination, it basically feels just as good as having somebody call emergency services for you,” […]
Study: 93% Of Individuals With One Earbud In Receiving Top-Secret Commands From HQ
WASHINGTON—Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ. “Nearly every person you see in public wearing a single earbud is currently undertaking a clandestine mission on behalf of an […]
Harvard Announces Free Tuition For Families Making Under $200,000
Harvard announced that undergraduate tuition will be free for students of families who make annual incomes of $200,000 or less, a move intended to make the prestigious institution “affordable to more students than ever.” What do you think? “See? I’m unemployed for my kids’ future.” Gerald Loffer, Opera Accountant “Every kid deserves the chance to […]
Trump Invokes Law Used To Justify Japanese Internment Camps
President Donald Trump invoked the Alien Enemies Act for the first time since it was used to intern Japanese immigrants during WWII, granting himself sweeping authority to deport non-citizens without giving them the opportunity to go before a judge. What do you think? “I’m just hoping he doesn’t remember what segregation was.” Marty Harville, Phalangeal […]
New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice
WASHINGTON—In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. “Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a […]