Woman Enjoys Process Of Planning Suicide More Than Actual Suicide Itself
RALEIGH, NC—Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. “I mean, obviously, I believe the journey is more important than the destination, but I’m feeling so indifferent about the prospect of suicide […]
Trump Orders All Children Born Under Biden To Be Renamed After Confederate Generals
WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. “Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals […]
Israel Ranked 8th Happiest Country
Israel remains in the top 10 list of happiest countries in the world, ranking eighth according to an annual global survey, despite the ongoing wars in Gaza and Lebanon. What do you think? “And isn’t being happy the ultimate land annexation?” Jessica Moschini, Garlic Mincer “When you love what you do, joy follows.” Bobby Glowe, […]
Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute
WASHINGTON—In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs […]
Roku Tests Autoplaying Ads Before Loading Home Screen
While Roku already includes video ads peppered throughout the streaming platform, some users have recently reported a preview of Moana 2 now autoplaying on the device’s startup, before they are shown the OS home screen. What do you think? “We asked, they listened.” Lisa Lambert, Unemployed “In today’s instant-gratification world, it’s nice to slow down […]
Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child
The post Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child appeared first on The Onion. source
Man Sneaks Bag Of Outside Stimuli Into Sensory Deprivation Tank
SHELBURNE, VT—Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. “That dopey teen working the front desk didn’t even think to check my coat pockets—stimulus city, here I come, baby!” Sansovitch said as […]
Patience off of the Green
The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. “No,” replied the man. “It’s my […]