Sally's Report Card
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think […]
‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff
‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff – The Onion Read More source
Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers
The post Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers appeared first on The Onion. source
Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee
PROVO, UT—In a crushing blow to the team’s hopes of winning the NCAA men’s tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. “Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic’s breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks […]
Walton Goggins Unsure How Many HBO Roles It Will Take To Get Free Max Subscription
HILLSDALE, NY—Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free Max subscription. “I thought three was the magic number, but I guess not,” said the star […]
Tiger Woods Claims That In Time He Will Fuck Everyone’s Ex-Wife
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.’s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone’s ex-wife. “I appreciate that my dating a woman who used to be married to Don Jr. may come as a shock to some, but just […]
Woman Losing Steam Professing Love Thought Crush Would’ve Said ‘Shut Up And Kiss Me’ By Now
GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he would’ve said “Shut up and kiss me!” by now. “When I imagined it in my head, […]
Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads
SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. “In an effort to provide better service and keep our industry-leading sex chews affordable, users of our lower-tier medication […]