Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my […]
Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down
SARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. “Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating […]
Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies
VATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. “I’ll take these fragments of the true cross, I’ll take St. Peter’s bones, and before […]
Furious Trump Cancels ‘Atlantic’ Subscription After 48 Years
WASHINGTON—In protest of the publication’s coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after 48 years as a loyal reader. “Their more literary stuff remains unimpeachable, but I just can’t stand their political reporting anymore,” said the commander-in-chief, who confirmed that he had just […]
Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact
More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding SNAP. MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won’t actually save the government money. FACT: Cutting food stamp funding will eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens. MYTH: People who receive food stamps […]
Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone
WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention […]
Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop
LOS ANGELES—Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. “I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure […]
Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. “In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having […]