Kermit The Frog To Deliver University Of Maryland Commencement Speech
The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think? “I hope he doesn’t touch on any hot-button issues like kindness or compassion.” Nikki Krouse, Pastry Taster “Ugh, […]
Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens
As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of your own. Decide if you’ll be raising chickens for food, companionship, or blood sacrifice. […]
Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery
WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA,” said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as […]
Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex
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Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines
ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. “We’re committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we’re now requiring everyone who works here to […]
Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless
NEW YORK—Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. “Nothing makes me feel better than heading down to the park in my spare time and serving up a bunch of […]