U.S. Food Banks Struggle Under Funding Cuts
The abrupt cancellation of government funding for programs to help food banks distribute healthy, local food is being felt across the country, with some already strapped organizations turning to their local communities for help. What do you think? “I can’t wait to see the look on woke liberals’ faces when my kids go hungry.” Rick […]
SeaWorld Visitors Delighted By Live Garbage-Patch Feeding
SAN DIEGO—With the spellbound audience in the Marine Trash Experience amphitheater shouting and squealing with excitement, SeaWorld visitors were reportedly delighted Wednesday by a live garbage-patch feeding. “The keepers threw a bunch of plastic bags into the middle of the habitat, and all of a sudden this enormous blob of debris floated up and swallowed […]
Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block
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DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife
SPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch” who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. “We have been far too lenient to the […]
Trump ‘Not Joking’ About Seeking Third Term
Donald Trump claimed he is not joking about the possibility of seeking a third presidential term despite it being barred by the Constitution, asserting that “there are methods” by which he can circumvent the prohibition. What do you think? “Ah, I’m sure he’s just joking.” Sandra Leftwich, Cocktail Infuser “Yeah, my dad had a tough […]
Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers
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College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle
ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow […]
Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All
LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic […]