Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel Of Pain
WASHINGTON—In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip and take a turn pushing the Wheel of Pain. “Pulling off your garments and crawling into the pit in order to lash yourself to the Wheel of Pain is something that […]
Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering
WASHINGTON—Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the nation Thursday that desire is the root of all suffering. “My fellow Americans, remember that attachment to worldly things stands at the very foundation of the illusions that lead us to […]
Communion Wafer ‘Miracle’ Turns Out To Be Bacteria
Following a biochemical analysis, parishioners of an Indiana church were informed that the red substance on a communion wafer they thought to be the blood of Christ was actually fungus and three different species of bacteria commonly found on human hands. What do you think? “He never said what form he would come back in.” […]
CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour
The post CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour appeared first on The Onion. source
Cory Booker Sets Record For Longest Fingernails On Senate Floor
WASHINGTON—Giving Democrats a sense of hope for the first time in months, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) reportedly set the congressional record this week for the longest fingernails on the Senate floor. “With your support, I have grown my fingernails to eight feet and three-quarters inches,” said Booker, whose act of strength and courage inspired millions […]
Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners
WASHINGTON—Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. “Hope you aren’t too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back […]
🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!
“It helps them sea better!” This joke plays on the pun between “see better” (vision) and “sea better” (nautical). Carrots are stereotypically good for eyesight, and sailors are associated with the sea—so the pun pulls double duty. “So that they could C#!” This one is clever for programmers. It’s a pun on “see sharp”, which […]
Inside Elon Musk’s Texas Compound
Significant mystery has cloaked a 14,400-square-foot Tuscan-style villa and a second, adjacent mansion purchased by the world’s richest man for himself and his extensive family. Here, The Onion uncovers what’s inside Elon Musk’s $35 million Texas compound. source