Babysitter Finds Real-Life ‘Monster’ Under Child’s Bed
While trying to reassure a child she was caring for, a local Kansas babysitter was shocked to come face-to-face with a man when she aimed to show the kid there were no monsters under the bed. What do you think? “Of course a man can’t even hide under someone else’s child’s bed anymore without being […]
Trump Assures Wall Street He’ll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon
WASHINGTON—In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. “While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it’s ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute,” […]
Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time
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Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles
The post Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles appeared first on The Onion. source
Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn’t Added Expansion Team To Sign Him
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he was furious the NFL hadn’t added an expansion team to sign him. “After everything I’ve done for this sport, the least they could do is create an entirely new franchise […]
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Chuck Schumer
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his greatest achievements, Trump’s second term, and the future of the Democratic party. The Onion: Why did you allow the spending bill to pass? Chuck Schumer: I finally got a 7 p.m. […]