RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms
WASHINGTON—As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine—healthier, even,” said Kennedy, who noted […]
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park […]
Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale
SAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick Vitale. “Unbelievable, folks, Walton Clayton Jr. is now heading up the rungs for a keepsake from this […]
Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison
GREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen […]
3-Year-Old Discovers 3,800-Year-Old Amulet While On Family Outing
A 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with family in Israel. What do you think? “Oh, every parent thinks their kid’s 3,800-year-old amulet is special.” Angela Vogel, Bank Picketer “Good luck getting it out of her mouth.” Rudy Soucek, Chord Builder “Yeah, but can she […]
Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker
WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources confirmed Monday that a page on the National Parks website had been revised to describe Harriet Tubman as a human trafficker. “Operating between 1851 and 1862, the notorious human trafficker Harriet Tubman stole approximately 70 African Americans […]
Sam Mendes Admits Idea For 4 Beatles Biopics Conceived Before He Heard About TV
READING, ENGLAND—Calling his ignorance “a major oversight,” filmmaker Sam Mendes admitted Monday that he conceived his idea for four Beatles biopics before hearing about TV. “Oh, gosh, well, this is embarrassing,” said the 59-year-old director, who expressed his frustration that no one at Sony Pictures had bothered to tell him about the existence of the […]
Trump Assures U.S. Farmers Barron Will Eat Their Crops
WASHINGTON—In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President Donald Trump reportedly assured U.S. farmers Monday that Barron would eat their crops. “No need for great American farmers to worry—that boy of mine can put away as many acres of corn as you can throw at […]