Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that they were about to become “gajillionaires” thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency. “Uncle Elon told us all about how crypto works, and now we’ve built a mining rig that’s gonna make us free money!” […]
White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers
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Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5
Mega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a cost with tickets for the multi-state lottery jumping in price from $2 to $5. What do you think? “This is going to price a lot of people out of being delusional.” Darrell Kloker, Recommendation Expert “Bad day […]
Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency
The post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on The Onion. source
Everything You Always Wanted, Right?
It’s new construction in your price range that’s near a good school and your family with plenty of space for everything the future holds, so why are you so hesitant to pull the trigger? Reference #84735 The post Everything You Always Wanted, Right? appeared first on The Onion. source
Nestlé Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3 billion. “We’re excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks,” CEO […]
Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried ‘White Lotus’ Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient
LOS ANGELES—In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. “I’m just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all […]
Roseanne Barr’s Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child
LOS ANGELES—Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child. Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she […]