Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School
NEW YORK—Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. “When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it’s clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping […]
Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked
AMESVILLE, OH—Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked. “Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn’t even bother to lock up […]
‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory
EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no […]
Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side
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Woman Charged With Selling Human Bones On Facebook Marketplace
A curio shop owner was arrested and charged for allegedly selling “genuine human remains” online, attempting to pass them off as “educational models.” What do you think? “We only use 10% of our bones anyway.” Ariel Bellemare, Coyote Herder “I hope the bones get reunited with the people missing them.” Lucas Moran, Trend Enforcer “What […]
JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife’s Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady
WASHINGTON—Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife’s head back on after fumbling the second lady. “No, no, no, no!” cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance’s head slipped from his grasp and tumbled onto the […]
Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics […]
Coachella By The Numbers
Coachella, the annual music festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, CA, has wrapped up the first of its two weekends. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the event. $300: For MDMA that turned out to be fucking sugar pills 4: Fresh deer carcasses specified in Lady […]