According to the CDC, more than one quarter of U.S. adults suffer from seasonal allergies. The Onion shares tips for managing allergic rhinitis symptoms.
Try a nasal-removal spray.
Politely ask the flowers in your neighborhood to stop blooming.
Ask ADT about their anti-ragweed security systems.
Teach the trees in your area that sexual reproduction is shameful.
Cross the street if you encounter a gang of street pollen.
Get your hazmat suit in a seasonal, pastel color so you don’t look weird.
Sudafed can easily be synthesized from any spare meth you have lying around.
Consider alternatives to breathing.
Try to convince your sensitive immune system not to take pollen so personally.
