Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies

VATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. “I’ll take these fragments of the true cross, I’ll take St. Peter’s bones, and before someone else claims it, I’ll take the Shroud of Turin,” said His Eminence Giovanni Battista Re, dean of the College of Cardinals, who placed an adhesive red dot onto the Veil of Veronica and remarked that it would bring a much needed pop of color to his otherwise drab bedroom. “Honestly, Pope Francis and I already talked about my inheritance, but I don’t want to miss out on the good stuff like I did when John Paul died. There’s no way Cardinal Mamberti is getting his grubby little hands on my crown of thorn fragments. Or my favorite, the holy foreskin.” At press time, Cardinal Re was kicking himself after a fellow prelate had beaten him to the punch and placed a sticker on the Holy Lance.