Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless

NEW YORK—Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. “Nothing makes me feel better than heading down to the park in my spare time and serving up a bunch of heated diatribes about homelessness and what I perceive to be a declining work ethic,” said Berens, adding that he truly believed that just one person loudly opining to strangers that the homeless needed to be “rounded up” could make a significant difference in the world. “Sure, I don’t get paid for it, but that’s not why you do this kind of thing. I’m fortunate to have so many deep-seated biases, and it pains me to know that not everyone has access to the kind of preconceptions I have. It only seems right that I should share my views about the homeless with those in our society who are less opinionated.” At press time, Berens had reportedly decided that he would spend his evening pitching a fit about a local food bank.