As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of your own.
Decide if you’ll be raising chickens for food, companionship, or blood sacrifice.
Inform your neighbors in advance that you are about to irreparably fuck up the neighborhood with shit and noise.
Get word out to local predators that these chickens are under your protection.
If you want your chickens to lay eggs, make sure to put it in their contract.
Impose quiet hours from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. so clucking doesn’t keep you awake.
Play Mozart for the chickens so their eggs will be smart.
Declare half of the chickens “guards” and half “prisoners” to observe the situational factors of sadism.
Only let them inside the house for movie night if they’ve been really, really good.
Consider a few feet of separation between your chicken coop and backyard wolf sanctuary.
Connect with other people online who keep chickens to chat about all the horrible mistakes you’re making.
Don’t think about the egg hole.
Admit you’re not the rustic, enterprising caretaker you think you are. You’re a bored copywriter, just don’t bother.
