COBRA Extension Lets Terminated Employees Continue Raiding Office Fridge For 18 Months

MANCHESTER, NH—Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. “As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of one and a half years during which they can still pilfer a few bites from Tupperware containers in the fridge to meet their lunchtime needs,” said HR representative Taylor Malmquist, adding that eligible individuals could also polish off somebody’s half-eaten BLT and then act like they hadn’t noticed the name written on it when confronted by their former coworker. “While you’re searching for your next job, you can rest easy knowing you’ll be able to access the same tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese you swiped the occasional scoop from as an employee. If you have dependents, feel free to snag them a couple seltzers from the mini fridge as well. And even after your 18 months are over, you can apply to continue going to town on the oranges and trail mix packets in the snack rack indefinitely. We usually just end up throwing them out, regardless.” Malmquist later clarified that COBRA did not allow former employees to keep using office paper towels, given how hard it was to find a roll already.