Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his greatest achievements, Trump’s second term, and the future of the Democratic party.
The Onion: Why did you allow the spending bill to pass?
Chuck Schumer: I finally got a 7 p.m. reservation at Carbone, and I couldn’t let the opportunity go.
The Onion: Can’t you do anything?
Schumer: I can shake this pencil between my fingers and make it look like it’s wiggling.
The Onion: What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?
Schumer: Probably achieving telepathic communication with Nancy Pelosi.
The Onion: What do you still want to accomplish?
Schumer: I don’t know exactly how it’ll happen, but I’d really like something called “The Schumer Protocol” to exist.
The Onion: Are you excited about the new generation of Democratic leaders?
Schumer: The 65-year-olds coming up have really impressed me in how quickly they fall in line.
The Onion: Are you jealous Mitch McConnell is considered the most chelonian senator, even though you also look like a turtle?
Schumer: I’m under no illusion that the American public is well-versed in herpetology.
The Onion: What’s something about you that might surprise people?
Schumer: That it’s really me sending all those text messages.
The Onion: Be honest—how do you really feel about AOC?
Schumer: Alexandria and I may not always see eye to eye on policy, but at the end of the day, I will crush her beneath my heel.
The Onion: How do you want to leave office when the time comes?
Schumer: Gracefully by body bag.
