THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I’m currently in kind of an ant phase right now, and it’s taking up my whole life,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that ever since He discovered how cool the insects were, He let His duties overseeing the papal conclave fall by the wayside. “Here’s the thing. Ants look small, but they are actually super strong and can lift over 50 times their own body weight. Plus, they communicate with pheromones! I know the Catholic Church is in mourning and needs a strong, compassionate leader, blah, blah, blah, but seriously—did you know that ants actually grow their own fungus? They’re tiny little farmers. How cool is that?” Later, after reportedly suffering an unexpected ant bite, God confirmed that the next pope would be selected on the basis of how effectively he could kill insects.
Pope Francis Dead At 88
April 23, 2025
Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor,
