Nestlé Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3 billion. “We’re excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks,” CEO Laurent Freixe said during a press conference in which he stated that the infectious agent was now the “crown jewel” of Nestlé’s portfolio of foodborne illnesses and outlined an ambitious plan to put E. coli into the refrigerator of every home. “Our shareholders can rest assured knowing Nestlé will continue to be a dominant player in the food-poisoning market as we become the exclusive provider of all E. coli strains that cause stomach cramps, vomiting, bloody stools, kidney failure, and—on occasion—death. We’ve already moved forward with plans to rebrand the microbe under our new ‘Nestlé Coli’ trademark.” Freixe concluded the media event with a playful shout of “Who’s thirsty?” before distributing Nestlé Pure Life bottled water to all in attendance.