New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice

WASHINGTON—In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. “Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a high vocal register,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, underlining the Republican mission of paring down the vocabularies of every adult woman in the United States to a maximum of five words, including “night night,” “wuv,” and “tummy.” “This goes for all women, including my Senate colleagues: You must immediately tie your hair into pigtails and replace your standard laugh with a coquettish giggle. Any woman not wearing a schoolgirl uniform will be considered to have acted in direct violation of this law, as will any woman who refers to a man by any term other than ‘daddy.’” Thune went on to express his support for a similar law that would require all the nation’s men to lower their voices by at least two octaves and communicate solely through grunts.