New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+

CHICAGO—Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+. “I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I’ve been enrolled in whatever Apple Deli+ is until April,” a bewildered Halstead said as he warily pressed the Deli icon on his iPad’s home screen and his finger hesitated for just a moment over the app’s minimalist rendering of a sliced deli ham. “Huh. According to this, my Apple Deli+ membership includes 24/7 access to Apple’s sandwich geniuses as well as 250 ‘salami points.’ They’ve somehow already logged the prosciutto caprese I got for lunch, even though I wasn’t signed in yet. I guess the Find My Cold Cuts feature could be useful. And wow, they have a mustard in rose gold that’s actually really pretty. I still don’t know if I like being locked into the Apple meat ecosystem, but maybe 90 free days of this could be cool if I can figure out how to get some dill pickles and tuna salad out of it.” Sources confirmed that by the end of the day, Halstead had already forgotten about the recurring $12 charge that he will continue paying each month for the rest of his life.