WORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. “Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?” the bewildered murderer said as he racked his brain trying to place the strangely familiar man, adding that something about the guy’s face made him all but certain he had already peeled it off and worn it around his apartment as a mask. “Was he the one whose ears I tried pickling with that new recipe? Can’t be, he still has both. For some reason I have this crystal-clear recollection of dumping his weighted torso into a river and going home to preserve his skull in a jar of Windex, but here he is walking around with two arms and his eyeballs still in the sockets. Weird! Maybe I should cut back on the killing if I can’t keep my victims straight anymore, or at least until I clear out some more space in my freezer.” At press time, Christiansen was reportedly relieved to learn he wasn’t going crazy after the man explained that he was actually the twin brother of one of the serial killer’s previous victims.
Pope Francis’ Children Ask For Privacy Following Father’s Death
April 23, 2025
VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement
