EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no one gets hurt,” said the 71-year-old Cabinet member and vaccine skeptic, who cocked his gun and kicked down the door of the facility, grabbing workers, shooting bullets at conveyor belts, and kicking down enormous vats of bright colored gelatin before demanding to see the “head autism scientist” so he could kill him and “end autism forever.” “Enough! You can try to hide autism all you want, but I know it’s in here. I can smell it! I have searched high and low—at the Skittles factory, at the Warheads factory, and at the Nerds Gummy Clusters factory. But it ends today. Autism, prepare to eat lead!” At press time, Kennedy could be heard screaming “Oh no, the autism’s got me!” and begging a factory worker to put him out of his misery.
4 Men Caught Smuggling Hundreds Of Ants
April 19, 2025
Four ant smugglers pleaded guilty after being caught by the Kenyan Wildlife Service attempting to sneak hundreds of giant African harvester ants out of the