Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares

EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. “If you use your imagination, it basically feels just as good as having somebody call emergency services for you,” said Goldfarb, lying back in the contented afterglow of the act while still envisioning a caring loved one’s hand placed on his shoulder. “You can get kind of stuck in the same rut of always tending to it yourself when you have a life-threatening medical event, so once in a while it’s nice to pretend that there’s someone else out there who has any concern for my well-being whatsoever.” At press time, reports confirmed a self-satisfied Goldfarb had lost consciousness while still covered in his own mess.