Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down

SARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. “Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me, and no one’s ever gonna let me forget it,” said the rapidly revolving milk snake, adding that the worst part was that the child possessed a rope that he easily could have used instead. “I’m gonna get so much shit for this from everybody down in the pit. I can already hear them mocking the noise my body makes whirling so fast like a helicopter blade. Hell, I might just have to move to a new hunting ground, because there’s no way any mouse watching this will ever fear me again. Oh God, he’s using me as a whip now. I’m just gonna close my eyes and pretend this isn’t happening.” The snake added that once this was all over with, he intended to hide in the child’s shoe in order to “bite the shit out of him and regain a little self-respect.”