Study: 93% Of Individuals With One Earbud In Receiving Top-Secret Commands From HQ

WASHINGTON—Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ. “Nearly every person you see in public wearing a single earbud is currently undertaking a clandestine mission on behalf of an undisclosed government agency,” the report read in part, going on to state that the increase in persons wearing one earbud was directly correlated to the decrease in access to phone booths where agents would have previously accepted their assignments. “The man on the bus bobbing his head to “music” is actually carrying out a covert hit via a directive from headquarters. Same with the woman at the grocery store engaging in a “phone call” with her “sister.” These operatives are highly skilled at blending in with the public while they wait for confirmation that Operation Sidewinder is a go. Then they move into position and take out their target.” While a spokesperson for the Defense Department dismissed the findings as “total fiction,” the study also found that the Pentagon is the No. 1 purchaser of earbuds in the country.