Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. “Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot—things were looking a little dicey with the Emilia Pérez backlash, but I think we’re on steadier ground now,” said the 35-year-old recording artist, muttering to herself while indecisively dragging a cell bearing the name “Donna Kelce” around to different positions in the 17,300-row spreadsheet that she has painstakingly maintained since 2006. “I could see Hailee [Steinfeld] having some potential to move up a few spots if she plays her cards right, but we haven’t talked since she did the ‘Bad Blood’ video. Then again, there’s a little more flexibility there now that Olivia [Rodrigo]’s off the list. Maybe I move Donna into her old spot? According to my formulas, the math checks out.” At press time, Swift was said to be agonizing between Katy Perry or Brittany Mahomes for the last place and second-to-last place positions.