WASHINGTON—Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. “Hope you aren’t too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back on the menu in a big way,” said Trump, adding that if Americans didn’t already have a good, long fork for fishing wieners out of the can, they were “sure as hell” going to need one soon. “You’re gonna eat ’em cold, and you’re gonna like ’em cold. Every meal. Don’t even think about trying to gussy them up with pickle relish. The only way you make it through these next few years is filling every shelf in your pantry with little canned wieners and knocking back the leftover hot dog water with a smile on your face. Buckle up, America. You live in ‘the wiener times’ now.” At press time, millions of Americans reportedly realized they could no longer afford the canned wieners.
DOJ Plants Gun On Maine
April 19, 2025
AUGUSTA, ME—In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks